I Can Breathe

Many many moons ago, on that afternoon, I dropped on the floor by my bed balling my eyes out, and I cried and cried. And cried a lot more. I then crawled over my bed. I could not breathe! 

My chest was hurting so bad and I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. The same stabbing pain I usually got on school exam days. But this one hurt much more. It even hurts now just to think about it. (Kinetics)

 Whomever said “No dies from love” was wrong. I was dying. I was suffocating from love. My heart was broken and I could not breath. I was 16 then, festinating in growing up so fast…

One day, few years ago, after school, I had the same feeling. It was like an Asthma attach, yet I didn’t have asthma then. I thought I had a fatigue or an anxiety attach due to the heat outside. I was fainting. It was daunting and really scary. I was shocking up.

I felt like a fish outside the water, jumping, flipping over a deck with no oxygen. I was holding my neck with both hands like two huge claws. Then, when I couldn’t breathe anymore, I saw her. 

I saw this pretty white light and a beautiful woman in it. She smiled at me. I gasped. “My guardian angel” I thought. Then I passed out. Few minutes later my mom and my sisters where there near me. I was shoking, coughing, and almost passing out again. I was confused. I thought I was home alone this whole time. But where was her? The lady in the white light. Where has she gone to and why? 

I had imagined or hallucinated her. My chest pounding fast, was still hurting. I took few long breath and that made you feel better plus the cold water my mom got me. I can still smell her  Maja cologne.

 The recently painted pink and wood color room smelled like spices, exotic wild flowers, and sandalwood. It also smelled like soap candles and English lavender. I thought then that probably my grandma could’ve smelled like that too if she would’ve being there. But she wasn’t there. She was in heaven. 

Since I never liked her real name, as a young kid I gave her my name, Evelyn. And every night I would make a prayer to grandma Evelyn, since she was an angel now and closer to God.

After many years of frequen fatigue attachs I found out that I was suffering from asthma. I guessed it was the humidity and the weather nothing else. But I got really anxious making my asthma reappear. I could not sleep with a serious hard cough. 

Each time when the “fatigue” gets back to suffocate me I just look up and I can see the light at the end of a tunnels and my eyes begins to smile instead of crying. I feel blessed just to breathe again, breathe again, breathe again.