It’s 3:00 am., in the morning. Futile remark.
I looked at the clock dancing on the wall.
It’s an old colonial clock resembling these ones
that my great-aunt used to have.
I watched the time,
and instinctively hid my face in my hands
and my hands between my knees
with blankets covering me, from toe to head.
The time was 3 o’clock,
in the early morning.,
for some people that is the hunted time
when demons, zombies, vampires, ghouls,
evil witches, ghosts, and the boogieman,
or maybe the big monster inside your closet
would come out to hunt you, to scare you
and take with them your heart or your soul.
If you weren’t a “good kid”
or you ate too much before bed at night,
you were doomed and lost,
cause they will come for you.
I barely ate before bed, and at times,
not necessarily on purpose,
I had gone to bed hungry and thirsty.
Sometimes it was a self inflicted punishment,
other times, I was just grounded.
But the demons and the ghosts
will still show up
and haunt me,
pulling at my legs,
screaming nonsense into my ears,
pulling out my hair,
dragging me onto the floor
and pulling me out of my bed,
with a loud cry and obscene rants.
I would hold on tight onto the rails of my bed,
for my dear life.
I didn’t wanted to disappear into their claws
alone into the night.
The fear of dying alone,
inside the tornado of madness and evil spirits
would haunt the long nights of my early years….
I was a good kid, then. I was.
But I did forgot often, and sometimes on purpose,
my daytime and bedtime prayers.
I couldn’t forget them. It was a sin.
And I had committed that sin.
I swore to never, ever, forget my night time prayers.
Those were my only shield & sword
to defend myself from my nightmares,
and my demons.
With my small face hidden
between my well covered knees and legs
I began to pray, fervently.
But perhaps, there was no use to pray at all.
All I had to do was wait
for daylight and again
all the spirits haunting me
would soon be gone.
I had learned a special prayer,
that I was told
it will guard me
completely from any harm.
The young priest
who’ve taught it to me,
had promised me
that will protect me forever
after only few more years,
he will be back for me and take me away with him,
as his own, because I was supposedly
the child that he loved the most.
As I write this, I’m near 19,
but I feel like I’m 6
0r maybe 14 again
and all the demons
that once haunted me
are now back hunting my nightmares
and my mind
Keeping me awake.
I saw his face again.
He saw me first, as he always did.
He could sense me from the crowd.
The same way he has sensed
the need and want
I once had for his love and protection.
He remembered my name.
I was honestly surprised that he did.
I was just a kid before.
I was a server now,
and he was on my table.
His friend, was a little to overly
and he advised me to stay far from him.
His bishop was just a copy of him,
maybe a bit older
and more refined.
But the same kind of
We talked briefly.
I was avoiding his small talk.
But he persisted
so I agreed with him to just go for a small walk and talk
only for a short while.
To me he once had being
my guardian angel.
But an angel don’t touch your knees, your legs,
your hands or rubs your chest
with his own on an “innocent” embrace.
An angel don’t lock the doors behind himself
and teach you things no child should know.
he was my own fallen angel,
my own monster under my bed,
the skeleton in my closet.
He was the voice inside my ears, my heart,
my conscience, and my mind.
It was not right,
but he was there for me,
like no one else was,
until the day that he was sent away.
As a young girl, to me,
he was the closest thing to love,
and the closest thing to hell…
I’d learned with him
the same old prayers
that would guard my mind,
throughout all my ordeals.
Since no one could,
I had to fend for myself,
and as I learned early on in life
to guard my mind and my soul
with his same prayers
I learned to hate him.
But at 3:00 pm the nightmares
of my past life came back, with him,
haunting my heart and my mind,
terrifying me to death,
like some sort of premonition or fate.
And there he was,
and I had to make a choice
to either go to him or run away.
But I walked submissively and gently into his arms
and into my monster’s cave again.