Cheers to this darn life!

Jun 2024- Got Covid again.

It seems the pandemic is not over like everyone was saying and believed. I got Covid again in Summer break to make it worst. This makes me think of many things and assessed my whole life. When you are in bed knowing you got Covid, with fever and chocking up with lack of air, you feel that  that is it. You got to the end of the rope. And you can’t help but imagine the worst. Life begins to have more meaning because you don’t know how long will it last. You start making plans in your head of your future, that is if you get out of this. And you begin to make deals with God and the entire universe. You look around yourself in the room you barricaded yourself in to avoid getting the rest to the family and the children sick and you can’t believe how lonely you are. Yet calls and texts starts pouring in from concerned friends and family members and you send them all to hell, in your head. You just want to be alone and rest, which is a way of getting used to death. But you are very great full that they are thinking about you and worried. You realized that your weren’t as alone as you thought and who your true friends and family are. They are there for you even when you push them away. 

Why I push people away, I ask myself constantly and I have only one answer, it’s because of my self-hate, anxiety and fear of rejection. I know myself too well and don’t need a psychologist or therapist to tell me that. Then I ask myself how to draw people in? And how to open up more to people? This is where the answers aren’t as clear. Even here in bed, with all the time of the world in my hands, psychoanalyzing my own mind and feelings I can’t gather the right thoughts and answers to help me open up more and warm up more to family and strangers and make new friends and have a larger circle of people that I could feel better connected too and count on. But trusting people has been a long-standing dilemma for me. I used to be so friendly, trusty an extroverted then I went through so many bad experiences that made me think the worst of people and the world we live in. I pull my walls up locked the doors and hid the keys. To be my close friends you had to go through many doors, pealing many layers of distrust and avoidance or hurt, or avoidance of hurt, then find the softer sweeter and kinder version of me. Here in bed, sick and vulnerable, I imagine that it’s couldn’t be that bad having few more people ringing my phone or texting me. I wouldn’t be so bad feeling more loved, and missed. I guess I will be missed if I don’t make it. But do I want to wait and find out? Do I have a choice? I have to sit here still and wait for the Covid to go away for good, and for the usual quarantine to be over. So I begin a journal, I call some old friends, message co-workers and acquaintances and let them know I got Covid. No one showed up at my door with a bowl of soup. My cousin, literally she is not my cousin she is my husbands, but she dropped by to bring me a cough suppressant pills. I am so thankful to her, my cough stopped for two hrs and I slept like a baby for a little while. Then I ran out of medicine. I called teladoc they rang right back said the Covid medicine would be at the pharmacy in 30 minutes or so. I asked my husband to go pick them up. He came back empty handed. He said the medicine costed $2,000.00 and wasn’t covered by the insurance. He came back empty handed, not even a cough medicine to at least control this chocking cough that it’s almost killing me and keeping me awake at night. But that’s him. He is a good person but so absent minded at times. His mind has always been in his work. He insisted I stayed home and not go to the doctor because he couldn’t take our boy to his job. I needed to stay home and watch him. So I put a mask on my face, another mask over my mouth and got myself out of bed to take care of my motherly and household duties. They wife duties will have to wait until this is over, and I’m not mad about that . So here I am still, resting between breaks and assessing my life and my future. I will get better and the second half of this life I have left in me will be much better. I am never ever giving up. My mind is full of dreams and goals; hopes for more, much more out of this life and this world. I can see myself years ahead from now looking back at this day and telling myself, “you did well for yourself little girl. I’m so proud of you.” “Cheers to our darn life!”