“I live with no regrets. Unapologetic. And one day at a time.” _E.R.L.
Sometimes, I wonder why would anyone wants to read my blogs? Or what is it that will finally bring them to my pages, my books? What can I do to get people to read me, see me as a Writer/Blogger/Author. Am I even interesting enough? I ask myself many questions every morning, as the sun penetrates the sheer lime green courtains of my window and bathe me with its glistening warm.
For example, What I’ll be sharing with my few loyal followers? The book loves who fallow my random stories and short novels. What I’m expecting to find or to give back? And what if I’m sharing to much or maybe to little? What things will interest them, hook them to me? Do the same things will interest me, if it was the other way around? How can I get people like me and read and share my book? ( By the way is at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/evelyn-lallave-rodriguez/poems-from-a-gypsy-soul/paperback/product-4972893.html )
I also ask why do I care for all of this? Why do I care so much? Yes I def. care too much! I want to be liked, to be loved. Admired. Not judged. I never was this needy, but now I need it. Maybe more than sex. Writing and being appreciated as Writer has devoured me, consumed me, involved me in a dream of words & letters that wasn’t important to me before. Fashion and makeup was my love, reading too, but writing? Never.
I always enjoyed writing, it was never my priority. I guess we, bloggers, journalists, writers, and artist in general have a bit of need for approval, or exhibitionism too, if you may. We are a little bit of attention-addicts, opinionated people, intellectuals, and dreamers, just like I am. Some of us may be gifted, or geniuses turned crazy. Some are a bit crazy turned into geniuses. Or maybe a just a little healthy mix of both, like I sometimes consider myself to be. (I don’t know what category I fall into really. Maybe in none of them or all. Who knows! )
There is a fine line for everything. So I try to concern myself in being myself, unapologetically me! Nothing more, nothing less_and breathe. Namaste! ( a yoga reference from a book I’m reading, another project, I’m not even a Yogi.)
I can be very extroverted when it comes to share things with total strangers, because I don’t care if they will judge me or not. Mostvof the time they don’t judge, because they don’t care. I can say, for example, “I want to have my boobs done just like yours ” to a busty bartender bragging about her recent boob’s job, even slightly touch them if the allow me too, but I can never tell that to a close friend, “Chica, I want to get my nose or chin done, just like you got it done” “Here, let me feel them!”. But I can be pretty blunt with a stranger, a friend my get offended, so I measure my words and actions around them. The prude of the group. The good girl. Most of the time they only get to see half of who I am. Unless we are really really very close friends.
Somehow I have created an outer wall, even from the closest people to me. There’s many levels of friendship to me, more than the levels in Cientology, I believe. Not that I don’t trust people or care for them and their capacity of empathy and understanding is that, as a person I can be a bit reserved. In turn, as a writer I can just be bold, let my walls down and cloaks fall, really express my opinions and my controversial ideals, and my out of the box, points of view.
It makes me feel so helpless when people think they can abuse others, hurt others feelings, and treat other people as less. I was always this person that always stepped forward to voice out my feelings to help someone else. Now not so much. I’ve been changing, becoming cynical, distant, cold, bias, and even egotistical, things I picked up in my many years living in FL. But when I write, I am honest, soft, kind, open, and even fierce again. Overall, people’s opinions are important to me.
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it that it really matters. For me, it depends whether I’m in the mood to accept your opinion or helpful critics, or I’m feeling bitchy and don’t want to hear someone’s arrogant, spoiled mouth running and blabbing their bullshit to me, specially when it is about me, about my own person and my life.
So I would usually speak up my mind, when it comes to stand for myself, though I pick my battles. If I stay quiet when someone offends me, whenever it’s possible. It may still be bothering me later and will linger on my pillow at night like a funky smell, with the akin thought that I wasn’t really there for myself, to defend myself. But you can’t just fight everyone who’s snippy or nasty with you.
Someone once told me, when I first came to Florida, from Puerto Rico, “chill out kiddo, and learn to pick your fights!” and “you have your heart on on your sleeves kiddo.” Now I pick my fights more carefully. But I won’t stay quiet when I face or see injustice. I will find a way to speak up even if its by writing and Blogging. That’s just who I am. I certainly have no regrets of being Me! I am an Unapologetic Woman. And I’m proud to be this way!