No Regrets by an Unapologetic Woman

“I live with no regrets. Unapologetic. And one day at a time.”  _E.R.L.

Hello World!

As I write today I wonder, why would anyone want to read my blogs? Or what is it that will finally bring them to my pages, or my books?

What can I do to get people to read me, and finally see me as a Writer/Author and not just a Sales person. Am I even interesting enough to achieve that, I ponder in my head?

I’m not a square person as someone once called me. I’m totally out of the box, fierce, and very unapologetic as my post title suggests. But I ask myself many questions about me being a good writer and interesting and captivating one. Every morning, as the sun penetrates the sheer lime green curtains of my windows and bathes me with its glistening warmth, I hesitantly open my eyes and curse at the sun for waking me up so untimely and begin my wondering. Begin to ask myself, “I’m awake. I’m alive, so now what? What’s next? Where was I in my writing projects or ideas? What did I leave to complete last night? Is it worth it? Who will ever read it? Will anyone ever read a Novel I write or a short story? Will I ever have the courage to turn all these scribbles into a book, a novel, or just a poetry booklet to share in open mic days?

What I’ll be sharing with my few loyal followers? To the 3 or 5 book lovers who follow my random stories and short novels online. And what am I really expecting to find or to give back? But what if I’m sharing too much or maybe too little? What things will interest them, hook them to the labor of my sweat and tear that I call poetry? Do these same things will interest me if it was the other way around?  How can I get people like me and read and share my book? ( By the way check one of my books at:  http://www.lulu.com/shop/evelyn-lallave-rodriguez/poems-from-a-gypsy-soul/paperback/product-4972893.html ) Also in Amazon.com (I hate/love, more hate, Amazon by the way, long story, but ask me and I’ll tell you all about it.)

Well, I indeed have so many questions. But this is not what I am really writing about in this post today. There is more. Much more.

You may ask, why do I care so much? Yes, I really care too much! I simply want to be liked, to be admired, as I used to be back when my age and geography weren’t a problem. And not judged. It hurts me deeply to be judged. It never did before. What changed? Maybe me, but I’m not even sure. Writing and being appreciated as a good Writer has devoured me and involved me in a dream of words and letters that weren’t important to me before. Fashion and makeup were my love once, reading too, but writing was something I only used to kill time but not something I was ever interested in sharing or in making a blog, especially not writing a book. Until one day, when I found Nanowrimo (www.nanowrimo.com) and the defunct site Script Frenzy, and out of boredom and curiosity I decided to write stories and novels. To give it a shot and discover my own potential. And a miracle happened.

I did not win their writing contests. But I met great people who I once probably was judgemental of. I became more confident in my intellectual beauty not just my outer beauty. I began to relearn myself through writing. And appreciating myself more for all the many varied things I was able to discover through my writings. And I learned that I was stronger and fearless too when it came to sharing my emotions, and my deepest thoughts. Like the old adage says, “The pen is mightier than the sword” Yes, words are mightier than the sword. So I guess we, bloggers, journalists, writers, and artists in general have a bit of a need for approval, or exhibitionism too, if you may. We are a little bit of attention-addicts, opinionated people, intellectuals, and dreamers, just like I am.

Some of us may be gifted, or geniuses turned crazy. Some were a bit crazy and turned into geniuses. Or maybe, just a little healthy mix of both. I do consider myself to be a little bit of both. There is a fine line for everything. So I try to concern myself with being myself, unapologetically me! Nothing more, nothing less, breathe. Namaste! ( a yoga reference from a book I’m reading, another thing I’m getting into.)

So you are still reading! Yey! I wonder why? But please don’t stop, go on. I know I overshare. But stay with me!

I’m humbly aware that I use the word I a lot, but if that hasn’t deterred you from getting this far in the reading please, please go on and read till the end.

Well, I can be very extroverted, most times, when it comes to sharing things with total strangers because I don’t care if they will judge me or not. Most of the time they don’t judge, because they don’t care. I can say, for example, “I want to have my boobs done just like yours ” to a busty bartender bragging about her recent boob job, but I can never tell that to a close friend, “Chica, I want to get my nose or chin done, just like you got it done” “Here, let me feel them!”. I can be pretty blunt with a stranger, but a friend may get offended, so I measure my words and actions around them. I’ve become “Charlotte”, the prude of the group. The good girl. Yet most of the time people only get to see half of who I am. Unless we are really really very close friends, then you’ll see that I’m funny, odd, a bit silly, and a lot crazy and you would enjoy being friends and talking to me. But if you don’t know me you get the serious, and maybe cold/ distant side of me. It’s the Virgo/ (Type 3 or D) personality in me.

Somehow, in recent years, I have created an invisible outer wall surrounding me, even from the closest people to me. There are many levels of friendship to me, more than the levels in Scientology, so I believe. Not that I don’t trust people or care for them and their capacity for empathy and understanding is that, as a person, I can be a bit reserved. In turn, as a writer I can just be bold, let my walls down and cloaks fall, really express my opinions and my controversial ideals, and my out-of-the-box, points of view.

It makes me feel so helpless when people think they can verbally abuse others, hurt others’ feelings, and treat other people as less. I was always this person who always stepped forward to voice out my feelings to help someone else. Now not so much. So many ungrateful narcissistic people out there pretending to care about you and then biting the hand that feeds them. So I’ve been changing, becoming cynical, distant, cold, biased, and even a bit self-centered. Those are things that I picked up in my many years living here in FL. and meeting all kinds of people that seemed to crawl out of a rock to bite your bottom when least expected. But when I write, I’m more honest, soft, kind, open, and witty, even bolder and fierce again. Overall, people’s opinions are really important to me. Not something I really want, to be seeking approval for, but in the end, if people dislike you or hate you, you are canceled to them, and you become a zero and almost invisible. Who likes being invisible?

I can seem cold and have rough edges at times, but that’s not really me. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it that it really matters. For me, it depends on whether I’m in the mood to accept your opinion or helpful criticism, or I’m feeling cranky and don’t want to hear someone’s arrogant, spoiled mouth running and blabbing their bs all day, especially when it is about me, about my own person and my life. When it comes to standing up for myself, I pick my battles. If I stay quiet when someone offends me, whenever it’s possible, it may still bother me later and will linger on my pillow at night like a funky smell, with the akin thought that I wasn’t really there for myself, to defend myself. But you can’t just fight everyone who’s snippy or nasty with you.

Someone once told me, when I first came to Florida, from Puerto Rico, “Chill out kiddo, and learn to pick your fights!” and “you have your heart on on your sleeves kiddo.” Now I pick my fights more carefully. But I won’t stay quiet when I face or see injustice. I will find a way to speak up even if its by writing and Blogging. That’s just who I am. I certainly have no regrets of being Me! I am an Unapologetic Woman. And I’m proud to be this way!

I was planning on writing something different. And I still wonder if this rant is worth reading or write about. But I realized that feeling and emotions are worth exploring and expressing them. That’s how the inner child in ourselves will start to heal.