No Regrets by an Unapologetical Woman

“I live with no regrets. Unapologetic. And one day at a time.”  _E.R.L.

Hello World!

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As I write I wonder, why would anyone want to read my blogs? Or what is it that will finally bring them to my pages, or my books? What can I do to get people to read me, and finally see me as a Writer/Author and not just a Sales person.

Am I even interesting enough to achieve that?

I’m not a square person for sure, as someone once called me. I’m totally out of the box, fierce and very unapologetic as my titles “suggests”.  Every morning, as the sun penetrates the sheer lime green curtains of my windows and bathe me with its glistening warm, I hesitantly open my eyes and curse at the sun for waking me up so untimely and begin my wondering.

I say to myself, “I’m awake. I’m alive, so what now?

What’s next? Where was I in my writing projects or ideas. What did I left of to complete last night, last month, or maybe last year, last 10 years to be exact?

Is it all worth it? And who will ever read me?

Will anyone ever read a Novel I wrote, or a short story? Will I finally have the courage to turn all these scribbles into a book, a novel, or just a poetry booklet to share in open mic. days, with friends and relatives? What will I be sharing with my few readers or followers that somehow read me, but rarely comment, in Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook?

Those book lovers, who fallow my random short stories and novels, will they ever buy my book?

And what if I’m sharing to much or maybe to little? What things will interest them, hook them to my work? Do the same things will interest me, if it was the other way around?  Will I even click on one of my own titles if I were them? How can I get people like me and read me, and share my stories with the world?

( By the way check out one of my books at:  http://www.lulu.com/shop/evelyn-lallave-rodriguez/poems-from-a-gypsy-soul/paperback/product-4972893.html ) Also in Amazon.com

I have so many many questions. Writing has become an obsession. Almost in an Autistic or OCD way.  Yet, this is not what I am really writing about on this post. There is more about me and my art. So much more.

You may ask, why do I care so much? Well yes, I really care too much! I want to be liked, and admired. Not judged, or ever feel irrelevant. Writing and being appreciated has made me grow as a person. It has passioned me, involved me in a dream of words and letters that wasn’t important for me before.

Fashion and makeup was my love once, reading too, but writing was something I only used to do to kill time, but not something I was interested in really sharing or in making it a blog, specially not write a book. Until one day, when I found nonowrimo (www.nanowrimo.com) and the defunct site Script Frenzy, and out of boredom and curiosity I decided to write stories and novels.

I decided to give it a shot and discover my own potential. And a miracle happened. I did not won their writing contests. But I met great people who I once probably was judgemental off. I became more confident in my intellectual beauty not just my outer beauty. I began to relearn myself through writing. And appreciating myself more for all the many varied things I was able to discover through my writings. And I learned that I was stronger and fearless too when it came to share my emotions, and my deepest thoughts. Like the old adage say , “The pen is mightier than the sword” Yes, words are mightier than the sword.

I think bloggers, journalists, writers, and artists, in general, have a bit of need for approval, and some small form of exhibitionism too, if you may.

We are a little bit of attention-addicts, opinionated people, and dreamers, just like I am. Some of us may be gifted, or geniuses turned crazy. Some are a bit crazy turned into geniuses. Or maybe a just a healthy mix of both. I consider myself to be a little bit of both.

There is a fine line for everything.

So I try to concern myself in being  myself, unapologeticaly me! Nothing more, nothing less_and breathe. Namaste! ( a yoga reference from a book I’m reading, another thing I’m getting into.)

So you are still reading! I wonder why? But please don’t stop, go on. I know, I overshare. I use the word I a lot, but if that bad habit of mine hasn’t deterred you from getting this far in the reading, please go on, and read it all till the end.

I can be very extroverted when it comes to share things with total strangers, because I don’t care if they will judge me or not. Most of the time they don’t judge, because they don’t care. Most of the time people only get to see half of who I am. Unless we are really  close friends. I have created an outer wall, even from the closest people to me. There’s many levels of friendship to me, more than the levels in Scientology, I believe. Not that I don’t trust people, is that as a person I can be a bit reserved, when I don’t know or like someone. Being hurt by people turn you into an onion, with many thin or hard layers all unique, and different. But in their own way, all the same.

In turn, as a writer I can just be bold, let my walls down and cloaks fall. I get to express my opinions bluntly and sometimes being brutally honest. It’s a total thrill to me being bold when people don’t expect me to be. I love sharing my controversial ideals, and my out of the box, points of view. Many people may not agree with me, yet they do like my sincerity and will follow me or form a discussion, a healthy discussion about this or that subject. I respect all ideas and point of views, just don’t insult mine. You won’t like my comebacks.

I hate injustice. It makes me feel so helpless when people think they can abuse others, hurt others feelings, and treat other people as less. I hate bullies. Maybe not hate but I dislike them a lot. Greatly! I was always this sort of person that stepped forward to voice out my feelings to help someone else.  I wanted to be the hero who solved everyone’s problems, and listened to everyone’s issues. Lately not so much.

I’ve changed, by becoming cynical, distant, cold, bias, and even egotistical. Those are some of the not so great things I’ve picked up since living in Florida. So many things have changed since I came here. Not the best place to live. Not the best place to make friends or grow a family. Not a great place to have dreams or follow them. Is just another sink hole by the water. A quick sands kind of place. I feel my heart sinking in as the year passed and there’s not a way out of here. Not a way to “go back home” to New York or Puerto Rico. Nothing to do with the Republican President, I was Republican once myself, a douche too…

But when I write, I am honest, soft, kind, open, and even fierce again. Overall, people’s opinions are important to me. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it that really matters. I would usually speak up my mind, when it comes to stand for myself, though I pick my battles. If I stay quiet when someone offends me, whenever it’s possible. It may still be bothering me later and will linger on my pillow at night like a funky smell, with the akin thought that I wasn’t really there for myself, to defend myself. But you can’t just fight everyone who’s snippy or nasty with you.

Someone once told me, when I first came to Florida, “chill out kiddo, and learn to pick your fights!” and “you carry your heart on on your sleeves. That’s not a good thing…” Now I pick my fights more carefully. But I won’t stay quiet when I face or see injustice. I will find a way to speak up even if its by writing and Blogging.

That’s just who I am. I certainly have no regrets of being Me! I am an Unapologetic and a Fierce Woman. And I’m proud to be that way. And I’m proud to share a bit of myself to whomever wants to follow me, read me, or get to know me and know a little more about me and what moves me. Besides God, friends and family moves me, people moves me. You move me! 🙂

(Prayer)

“Move me, my God, towards You.
Do not move me
the threads of this world, No!
Move me, bring me to You,
from the depth … “

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Begging President Trump to create a Temporary Shelter & Temporary Long Term Work Visas & give Citizenship & Asylum for and to the immigrants families recently released.

Begging President Trump to create a Temporary Shelter & Temporary Long Term Work Visas & give Citizenship & Asylum for and to the immigrants families recently released.

The immigrant that were victimized by our current President’s zero tolerance policies and that were release and the ones still detained andcame here running from the violence in their own country, running from their lives, away from gangs,  corrupt police, militias, government, and mobs, delinquents, and rapists. Children as young as 10 or 12 are becoming sexual slaves in those countries, little boys and teenagers are forced by militants and gangs and drug and human traffickers to steal, sell drugs, rape and kill others and terrorize their own people. Families who do not want that atrocities happening to their children are coming to America asking for Asylum. Professional people and families, wealthy families are being harassed, robbed and abused by the criminals in their countries backed by dirty money and the corrupt politicians and government leaders in their countries. They have lost everything they had and worked so hard for, they been kidnapped, beaten, sexually abused, raped and even killed or forced to pay protection money to these gangs of mobsters so the same thing doesn’t keep happening to them and their children.

Yes, all those horrible children are happening to babies and children and we are so heartless we are putting them in cages like wild animals and not giving them a choice and option or a helping protective hand. THESE FAMILIES NEED ASYLUM. The money wasted in jails, tent segregation separating  camps, cages and transporting immigrants in buses or planes and in paying so much staff, that wasted tax money can be used better.

TAKE OUR TAX MONEY, to create shelters, visa programs, in humanitarian programs, in long term work and training programs. They are doctors, lawyers, teachers, social workers, nurses, engineers, contractors, and poor but experience laborers with experience in gardening, landscaping, child care, maintenance, cleaning and cooking, clothes making, assemblers, electricians, farmers and all kind of jack of all trades who are immigrating to seek Political asylum, here in America.

These immigrants are good normal people like you and me and possibly more grounded and stronger than us as they were able to endure such hardships and have to bravery, strength and courage to get themselves to safety. Even victims of domestic violence are trying to get asylum but are getting it denied. Instead they are paying for being braved and leaving abusing relationship and rescuing their children from those abuse partners they had, where probably and most likely members of the same gangs that had atterorized them and their families for many years know. Children are been sold or taken from those people. The immigrants are coming here to get their children to safety out of the hands of those criminal predators.

But President Trump is still keeping these families detained, where they are receiving even more abuse by heartless, irresponsible, inconsiderate and plain evil Border Patrol agents who have sexually abused some of those same immigrants and even their children after they suffered through hell to get here in America and request and beg for asylum.

There has been reports of few cases of abuse and sexual abuse and rape by the same Border Patrol and the staff in those facilities. This is unacceptable, inhuman, cruel, and heartless.

We are begging, asking, demanding that this is fixed for good. Not in part but in whole. We beg that these families get proper treatment. Asylum, shelters, visas, and therapy.

Let’s be the Americans we once were, the ones who helped others, the ones who were respected and admired  and even feared by other countries. Let’s be the America that welcomes everyone no the one that segregated people for their religions, backgrounds or skin colors. Let’s be a Better Great America if is in our power to do so. Let’s help the immigrants become productive Americans and live as equals. Thanks!

Children in Cages- Zero Tolerance = Zero Heart

06/21/2018

Yesterday morning President Trump signed an executive order, while saying, “Yvanka doesn’t like it. Things are going to change…” Yet not much has changed. In Texas border, the Border Patrol has been doing the same thing they’ve done since about a month now, arresting immigrants who turn themselves in requesting Asylum, and the separation of families policy and process continues.

According to a retired U.S. Border Patrol she urged Border Partrol agente to refuse arresting and separating these particular families quoting, “I won’t do it because it’s illegal” They can say that but to this moment no one knows how many Border Patrols have done that and how many have left their jobs because of the Borders issues, so called “crisis”. Plus no one knows what will happen to Border Patrol if they refuse, will they be fired, which they shouldn’t since they are doing what’s right refusing to do something that is illegal even if it’s order by the President himself.

In the meantime shelters are overflown, some families were reunited yesterday and are still been rescued I meant reunited with their families while they are processed or as they are released to shelters and on their own. There is no knowledge of where will most families that are arrested and or detained will be going too.  And why there are still families not reunited with the formerly Caged Children.

 

 

Be Careful with Love

Be Careful with Love

I’ve lost everything I had

to a feeling named Love…

It feels so warm
yet it can be so cold.

It’s being together
and being apart.

Love it’s a white light
hidden in the dark.

It makes you strong.
But fragile and weak;
all of it at the same time.

Is soothing like Spring water in Summer time.
And warm like a bonfire under your hands.

And if you let it Love will burn
a deep hole into your heart.

If you ever experience Love,
Beware!

It will burn you up alive,
then heal you.

It will be caring, but cruel.
So make sure to nurse your wounds very soon.
Because when Love is gone its emptiness will remain within you.
So I urge you dear friend, be very careful with Love!

 

Unanswered: Poem by Evelyn Rod.

Unanswered

The plan, to be myself,
my own unique person.
In reality, we emulate so many.
Confusion is not a stranger,
but more like a close friend.
Anger drops by
and never seems to end.
It hides instead
in the shadows
of florescent lights,
and to the naked eye
is never in sight.
In a theater, we live our daily lives.
Award winning actors
in every shape & size.
 What is this I ask,
Does anyone feels the same?
The question remains!
Why have we all became
so rehearsed and fake?

Unanswered, the questions remains…

Hard Times: Poem by Evelyn Rod.

Hard Times

Sometimes I feel
like my whole world
it’s crashing down;
Everything around me
is spinning so fast,
I wish I could control it.
I wish I could control
all of my surroundings,
But all I can do
it’s just hope for the best.
I wonder why do I
sometimes do the wrong thing,
like choosing what’s more
convenient for me
and not the other person.
Some people think
I’m selfish, arrogant and greedy.
And they say
I only think of myself.
Yes, sometimes I am.
But they forget
I am honest, caring, and a great friend.
Maybe all I need is some guidance.
Maybe all I need is a new plan in life
to help me and guide me
through these difficult & hard times,
we all, imperfect humans, have in our lives.

Lost Identity

Who am I?

Some people have said to me that I have Sofia Vergara’s accent and Kim Kardashian’s looks. I rather think I have fello Boricua Jlo’s look. As I’m Puertorrican, for my mother side and like Jlo I was also born in NYC.

That’s the extent of my knowledge to my roots as I never met my father nor anyone on his family side, have no idea if he was just a dark skin Puertorrican, an Indian, or Morrocan descent man. They stories varied so his name.

All I know is that I’m a beautiful mutt. And happy to be just me, regardless of my Ancestory or genes. Being an inteligent educated openminded woman is enough for me. (Or isn’t. Sometimes I yearn to know more & be more.)

Beside my so ambivalent character I have a constant smile on my face, except when I’m “randomly checked” at the airports and being shoved aside like a criminal by their TSA reps. But other than that I’m someone who is a magnet to others. And I still don’t know the reason for such an unexplainable reaction, except for my pretty good social skills. Being this “different” have many advantages. But also many disadvantages as well. You either fit in or you don’t.  Is not as black and white as you’d think.

My personality fits in well, but sometimes my looks or my accent doesn’t quite work well into fitting in with certain people or groups. And I don’t want to have to try so hard to be accepted. Never had that issue in my schools in Puerto Rico. Why I have to face them now as an adult in the U.S. the place I was literally made. The place where I was born.

Now even when I visit Puerto Rico, I get asked at the airports,  “What are you?” To which I’m inclined to reply, “Human of course!”, “I’m not an alient” (Pun intended). It is so frustrating that even in your own country one is a foreigner, a total stranger.

All because I may now sound or look a bit different. I get asked that a lot, if I’m from Puerto Rico or Dominican or Arab?! Others assume, rightfully so, that I’m probably Indian. Which they are not so far from the truth according to a dear old Auntie.

So the tell is, I’m part Puerto Rican & part Indian/ Moroccan (Meaning Indian or Black?) A question that remains unanswered, like the title of a old poem I once wrote in my childhood But why is his last name Spanish?)

Fake name. Just like himself!

That all my aunt would say about my biological father, over and over. So at a very early age I came to a conclusion all by myself. That that lump on a log good for nothing lier misogynistic abusive bastard was some kind of Indian/Arab/African man.

A buggy man who’s fake name was not allowed to be mentioned in my home, except for his nick name “the devil”. And I hoped one day to face that devil to tell him few word. One of them was “Thank you!”

(Thank you “Father” for leaving us. For running away from your woman and children. You were no good to us, so leaving us was the best thing you could have done to my late mother and to us. To your children. The ones who forgot existed. The one you lost like my late brother Rob. You were dead to us. For that I thank you! Cause to me, you will always be a ghost and nothing more!)

My present concern is not who he was, is more of “Who am I? ” I know it deep inside. I know that I am a smart gorgeous grown ass woman, who’ve build herself from the ashes, literally, like a Fénix. And I have this strong reassuring inner voice that assures me that I am ok. That I am myself and that’s enough.

I am. I think. I exist!

_Everything will be alright.

We are on the tip of the 20th Century and people still concern themselves over such trivial issues of multicultural relations and racial issues. It’s the area of Hate & Racism. And those problems are not as trivial as they should be. We’ve made them important! Our biased humanity made racial issues the center of the attention.

Now I’m under the spotlight because of that. Being Multiratial and Multicultural is my scarlet letter. My sin.

Someone greeted me the other day this way, “Hey Níger How you doing? Then, Do you work in this building?”  (*mouth wide open, eyes about to burt out of its sockets. Twitch on my temples… WTF? almost spat my mouth. Zip it!)

There were two main odd things about it:

  1. He said “nigger” and he was a Caucasian looking male. A Security guard

  2. I don’t look black. And you don’t go around calling people niger Nigga! He probably thought he was being friendly. But he fucking wasn’t it. That’s not nice, not professional.

I never expected a Security Guard, act like that. His plump tomatoe red face was smiling side to side. His eyes were glassy and glaring at me up and down. I gave him my perfect cowboy stare, hand on my waist as if I had a gun ready to start the challenge and battle him to death.

And he did the same. Locking eyes with me.

I simply said in a defensive almost masculine voice, “What?”

He laughed and began talking like a chatter box, repeating his question, this time around without using insulting N word. This time he did sounded friendlier. And showing me his rotten yellow teeth he complimented me on my shirt. I replied it was my first day at INS. He said you are on the wrong parking area. Imma letting you park there today. Tomorrow park on the second parking garage.

I was surprised to such an odd behavior thowards me. And I was more surprised that there was a freaking VIP garage for executives that I as a regular staff was not allowed into. Was it really a VIP parking garage or we were in some other dimmention where I was back in the sixties where women of color and latinos had to use a different kind of bathroom or entrance?

I took a very deep breath. Everything was fine.

I thanked him for the compliment on my shirt. I had chosen it well and was very proud of my pin stripe shirt and fake black pearls. With a fake smile I wished him a nice day, he politely did the same and left with a wide smile on his face. I still don’t know what the hell was so funny. But he certainly had a great time meeting me. Again, I have an irresistible charm.

I did felt like spatting back. “Btw Sr. I’m not Nigger! You don’t call people that. No matter If they are of colour or black. I have a name and that’s not it. I’m Eve, like Adam & Eve!” I didn’t I rolled my tinted windows up on my sports Beamer and drove away, almost almost scritching my tires. With Ricky Martin ft. Maluma on the radio.

When I was a kid in school I was the Newyorrican. I was called India Taína. And few times was confused for Peruvian. I liked being called India Taína. It was a compliment as Native Puertorrican women were very beautiful prefect women. I was proud to look just like them. But since I never met my dad nor his family, my anguish about me being Alf Indian, Native, or Black made me really really upset.

To this day I don’t know WHO AM I?!

My husband and some of his friends have somewhat confirmed the suspicions, that I’ve kept hidden inside of me for a long time. They think I may be part African American. And there is nothing wrong with being that regardless of some of my own family members that had this terrible wrong old idea that being of color or a darker skin isn’t the ideal or the “typical Spanish beauty standard”.

And to my family, I was the exotic creature. The little Indian. Try and think Pocahontas with a suntan, or a lighter version of Halley Berry. And What does that matter? I always asked them. No logic answer. It affected how I view them and how I viewd myself. Because I began to feel the outcast. Like I was somewhat different. Not the ugly duckling but the little Swan who belonged somewhere else.

People and the media lies. They tell you what matters is the inside, and how you feel about yourself. Your confidence. Not if you are skinny or fat. Black or White. But in reality not everything is black and white. There are gray areas too. I happened to be and feel like a gray empty area.

I wish I could find my true self, know the whole truth about my paternal family. But taking an online DNA test for those sites that tells you have such and such percentages of many races, mostly Eastern European, is not the solution for me. My mother is no longer in this world.

So I may die one day still questioning “Who am I?”

I can truly relate with the adopted and homeless children who have no idea of who they really are. A lot of these then have probably a particular way of defining themselves. And they are happy with that, with no issues or problemas about their racial background. But I’m not. Because I am an answer seeker. And I had enough. I had to speak up about. It’s something that I should’ve dealt with years ago. But recently the fact and fear that I may become sort of an “allien” in my own country, without fully knowing the truth about my existence and past is completely hunting me. Maybe one day I may find closure. But I’m not there yet.

Piñatas FOR SALE!

Hello World!,

My sister is an artist and love doing many things. She has created and designed amazing pinatas and I want to share with everyone how amazing they are.

I also offered to her to sell some here for $20 & up. They are great looking pinatas, reusable and they last long.

Just have fun beating up your favorite characters, and getting lots of candy out!

The candies are not included unless you ask for it.

Here are few of them.

 

If you like these pinatas and would like to order some they range from $20 to $45 because of their size. But if you email me here, you get $5 off your pinata’s first order. HABLAMOS ESPANOL!

Eva-Luna